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Women Versus MenBack -- Back to Joke Page - Next Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'" A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Okay...you released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah. You get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed...how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish." The man said, "Okay," and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care about them and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing,' know how to make them truly happy..." The genie looks at the man and asks, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars and Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do". One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, we start touching, feeling and I am thinking tonight is a green light!!!! Then out of no where she says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I, and every husband
on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What
was her first clue?" I finally realize that The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you . . . she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face . ... .. it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw 2005. A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman,
a bit startled, but intrigued, looked at her four items on the
belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections
said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how on The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n hell." Walking into the bar, Henri said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had me another fight with my little woman." "Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Henri replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"? "She said, 'Come out from under that bed you little chickenshit!" My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big, freakin' red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. For Men Tired Of Receiving Male-Bashing Jokes Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up
a woman? Why do women have smaller feet than men? How do you know when a woman is about to say Something
smart? If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son." A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter "T", for example: Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday. Why men get out of bed: The perfect breakfast: (Q) What's the best form of birth control after
50? (Q) What's the difference between a girlfriend
and a wife? (Q) What's the difference between a boyfriend and
a husband? (Q) What's the fastest way to a man's heart? (Q) What do you call a smart blonde? What a woman wants Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, and the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch
-- only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the
witch was famous throughout the kingdom or the exorbitant prices
she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no
alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his
question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch
wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round
Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with
Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared
to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence,
their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question thus: Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night, a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow." A poem for us.... I shave my legs, Don't go to a barber, I can balance the checkbook, My beauty's a masterpiece, I don't drive in circles, I never forget, I don't watch movies, I won't lose my hair, Don't say to your friends, Flowers are okay, I don't have a problem, DON'T call me a GIRL , A Man's Response… Regarding my appearance, Sex is more fun, "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy." "You know "that look" women get when
they want sex? Me neither." "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you
don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances
for a date on Saturday night." "There are a number of mechanical devices which
increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these
is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting
your dog vacation at the taxidermist." "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool
with a rope." "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.
The other eight are unimportant." "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men
can fake whole relationships." "My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no
matter what she's reading." I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess"
on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" "My mother never saw the irony in calling me
a son-of-a-bitch." "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he
parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter
how bad it is." "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." "Women complain about premenstrual syndrome,
but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be
myself." "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just
need a place." "According to a new survey, women say they
feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too
judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are
reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" "There's very little advice in men's magazines,
because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody
naked." "Instead of getting married again, I'm going
to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night. This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for. He answered, "I want to kill my wife." "I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide." The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription." The couple was 85 years old, and had been married
for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed
to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young,
they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's
insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare
vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine
silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master
bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the
closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome
to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked
Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing,"
Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This
is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free,
every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish
buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them,
from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This
is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her." The man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere" Training courses are now available for women on
the following subjects: Please register immediately as courses are in great demand. 37 reasons why men are more cheerful Your last name stays put. The Geography of a Woman Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. The Geography of a Man A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey
I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with
my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week."
"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for
a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the
office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh!
Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box." When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits. A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been
kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks
into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of
bed, ties him up to a chair, ties up the woman to the bed, gets
on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes
to the bathroom. Words Women Use FINE A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket." Male sensitivity test: 1. In the company of females, intercourse should
be referred to as: Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years? "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" The Male 'Merit/Demerit System" in Evaluating
Male Sensitivity to Women. You stay by her side the entire party.........................
0 Go with a pal.......................................
0 You develop a noticeable pot belly.........................-15
7. THE BIG QUESTION She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
ALERT!! Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, and Motorcycling 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!!!!!! REPLY Dear Troubled User: This is due to a very common
problem that generates many complaints. It is due to a primary
misconception generally by male users. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that it is merely a Utilities
and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
is designed by its creator to run everything! It is also impossible
to delete Wife 1.0 and return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating
systems files cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing
is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the
program files from the system once installed. You cannot go Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "C:\YES DEAR" to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults (GPFs)." You must assume all responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command "C:\APOLOGIZE". Avoid excessive use of "C:\YES DEAR" because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, CookIt 1.5 (which replaces BurnIt 1.0), Trash 4.0, and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!!!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. We always hear "the rules" from the female
side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said "Ah, yes." "Well, said Arthur, "professional to professional,
you have some major design flaws in your invention: "Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours." What's the best form of birth control after 50?
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Why do men want to marry virgins? Why is it so hard for women to find men who are
sensitive, caring, and good looking? What's the difference between a new husband and
a new dog? What do you call a smart blonde? Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
What's the difference between a porcupine and a
BMW? Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Subject: MEN A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite
chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring
me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled,
but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick,
bring me another beer. It's gonna start. "This time she looked
a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said,
"Quick, another beer before it starts. That's it! She blows
her top! "You #**#**#**! You waltz in here, flop your fat
ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run
around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean
and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "It's started! Back -- Back to Joke Page - Next
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