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When I attended a convention once of oilmen, the
first speaker was from Texas. He rambled on about nonsense for
a good half hour and then introduced the next gent, who happened
to be from Oklahoma. The Texan ended his introduction with, "Now
I give you Mr. Murcer from Oklahoma, an outlying province of Texas."
With that, Mr. Murcer began his speech, "Thank you, Mr. Smithson,
but, just to set the record straight, there ain't NO state that
can out-lie Texas."
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by
the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"An intentional killing that occurs while the
defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising
from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found
in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business,"
responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage,
I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I
did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
(Q) Why did OJ Simpson move to West Virginia?
(A) Everyone has the same DNA.
(Q) What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern
zoo?
(A) A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on front of
the cage as well as a recipe.
(Q) What's the difference between a Northern Fairy Tale and a
Southern Fairy Tale?
(A) Northern Fairy Tale begins, "Once upon a time."
A Southern Fairy Tale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe
this shit."
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
English............I Love You
Spanish............Te Amo
French.............Je T'aime
German.............Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese...........Ai Shite Imasu
Italian............Ti Amo
Chinese............Wo Ai Ni
Swedish............Jag Alskar
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina,
Georgia, Tennessee, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia and Kentucky:
... Nice Ass, Get in the truck!"
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what
has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure
whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile,
Inspector", says the Coroner. "Second body: "Scotsman,
25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector
asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says
the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the
redneck from Alabama, 30, struck by lightning." "Why
is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought
he was having his picture taken."
The latest ploy to drive out the Taliban and Al Quaeda out of
the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Alabama Special
Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba, Scooter, and Cooter are being sent in
with the following information about the Taliban:
There is no limit.
The season opened last weekend.
They taste like chicken.
They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
Some are queer.
They don't like barbecue.
They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.
Should be over in just about a week.
Billy-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his
gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he
was confronted by the Sheriff.
"Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what
you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your
gunbelt and boots?"
"Well Sheriff, it's a long story."
"I ain't going nowhere," said the Sheriff.
"Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into
Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and
then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why
don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting
real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't
we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did."
He continued, "We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more
and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes
and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my
gunbelt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread
her legs apart and said Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town'
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their Minnesota
Viking commemorative stamps?
People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A man walked into a bar and sat down for a drink. He noted a dog
intently watching a Packers - Bears game. Whenever the Packers
scored, the dog would jump onto the bar and do an animated dance.
This happened over and over as the Packers scored again and again,
and at the end of the game, the dog let out a loud howl and ran
out of the bar. The man thought this was pretty unusual and asked
the bartender, "Gee that's amazing. What happens when the
Bears win?" The bartender replied "I don't know, the
dog's only 4 years old."
A devout Packer fan died and had just arrived in heaven. He was
talking to an angel trying to get the lowdown on what heaven was
going to be like. He asked the angel if there were any former
Packers in heaven. The angel replied, "Sure, all the greats
are here." He then asked the angel if they played football
and the angel replied that in heaven, every day is Packer Sunday
and the Pack always wins. Being very excited the fan asked if
Vince Lombardi was here and as he asked, he saw a man with dark
rimmed glasses, a heavy overcoat, and a cap that looked strangely
like the one Vince Lombardi wore in the Ice Bowl. When asked excitedly
if that was him, if that was Vincent T. Lombardi. The angel replied,
"No, that was just God. He just thinks he's Lombardi."
A Broncos fan in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
"Wanna to hear a joke about Chiefs fans?" The guy next
to him replies, "Well before you tell that joke you should
know something. I'm 6' tall and 220 pounds and I'm a Chiefs fan.
The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 240 pounds and he's
a Chiefs fan, and the guy sitting next to him is 6'5", 280
pounds and he's a Chiefs fan too. Now, do you still want to tell
that joke?" The Broncos fan says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna
have to explain it three times."
Q: What do you call a Minnesota Viking with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.
Q: Why doesn't Iowa have a professional football
team?
A: Because Minnesota would want one too.
Q: What does a stolen car and the Vikings have in
common?
A: No Title
Dear Ma and Pa,
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the
Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them
to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly
6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and
Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine
some things. No
hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire
to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they get warm water. Breakfast
is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon,
etc..., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried
eggplant, pie and
other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit
between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours
holds you till noon, when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route"
marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden
us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is
about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher.
He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels
just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting
medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as
big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you,
like the Higgett
boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and
hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in
boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before
other fellers get into this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do driver's education classes in redneck schools
use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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