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Dot Eaters make the World go 'round! |
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PilotsBack -- Back to Joke Page -- Next One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first, the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the airplane starts moving. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot and says, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!" A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!" Basic Flying Rules: A welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain: Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing (bolter): You've got to land here, son. This is where the food is. LH741: "Tower, give me a rough time-check!" Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not? Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck." Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up." Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft
declaring emergency about two hours ago?" Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall
will park you." Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles! Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems? Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request
start up and push back, please. Eggenfelden Info : D-EXXX please report persons
aboard. Tower: "Height and position?" On a very quiet night: A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on
the aviation frequencies. Ground Control: "123DG, bear to the left, disabled
aircraft on the right." ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500
ft below you. ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude." Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at
7 miles?" Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your
baggage doors is open." The crew of a US airliner made a wrong turn during taxi and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller (a female) screamed: "[Callsign] where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?" Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to you once?" A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed just a little too high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport." It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City. KC Approach: "Malibu three-two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles." Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him." KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?" Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...we've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though." Tower: "Eastern 702, contact Departure on 124.7."Eastern 702: " Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off; did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and roger, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker F-27, one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got that Fokker in sight." The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing: Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway." Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!" The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop." I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich, Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crewmember. This was the conversation I overheard:
Ground (In English): "If you want an answer you must speak English." Lufthansa (In English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Beautiful English Accent (before ground could answer): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ... Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..." Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land." A man is sitting in a plane that is about to takeoff, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy." He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle, and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the heck is going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!" A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young and beautiful, and have never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the Captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, in exactly the same way. The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the Co-pilot. The Co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much, now I understand". She hugs the Co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York." The Balair charter flight home had been a long one. The passengers had got a bit bored over the second half and cockpit visits were taking place. After a while the crew were getting tired of this, so when the steward asked for "just one more", the captain told him to show the passenger the cockpit himself and then they were going to descend. As they went through the plates, the crew heard something like, "So this is the captain on the left - the sexual adviser on the right and the flight engineer here behind. Now, these instruments in the middle are." "Excuse me, what did you say the man on the right was?" asked the passenger. "The sexual adviser." answered the steward "Now - these levers here are......" "I am sorry to interrupt again,” said the pax but do mean to tell me that you carry a sexual adviser on your crews?" The steward looked blankly at him. "Well I presumed so!" he answered - "At least, every time he opens his mouth, the captain says 'When I need your Fucking Advice, I'll ask you for it! Once upon a time BA and Virgin decided to have a boat race on the Thames. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as could be and Virgin won by a length. BA was discouraged and senior management set up a project to investigate the problem. Its conclusion was that the Virgin team had 8 people rowing and one person steering. The BA team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior management immediately hired consultants to study team performance. Millions of pounds were spent and several months later they concluded that there were too many people steering and not enough rowing. The following year the team structure was changed to 4 steering managers, 3 senior steering managers and one executive steering manager. A performance/appraisal system was set up to give the rower more incentive to work harder and become a key performer. They concluded he must be given empowerment and enrichment. The next year the big day arrived and Virgin duly won. BA laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off the paddles, cancelled capital investment and halted development of the new boat. Then they gave high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved among senior management. Royalty An obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself, was serving the plane’s cabin. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!" "Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!" Hear the one about the new hostie who didn't socialise and failed to turn up for transport after her first night stop? The purser went to her room and found her in floods of tears. She explained that she had been trapped in her room all night. How come? Of the three doors in her room, one led to the bathroom, one led to the wardrobe and the third had a sign on the handle saying "Do not disturb" Q. How do you stop a Flight Attendant from having
an orgasm? Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings... It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX! A hosti was out golfing one day off when she hit
her ball into the woods. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The hosti freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your captain will get 10 times more or better!" The hosti said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful hosti in the world - beautiful enough to make people stop flying SQ. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your captain the most handsome pilot in the world, an Adonis, that other hosties will flock to." The hosti replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful hosti and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful hosti in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest hosti in the world. The frog said, "That will make your captain the richest pilot in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The hosti said, "That will be okay because I'm such a devoted hosti that what is mine is my captain's and what is my captain's is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest hosti in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack." Did you hear about the Australian Capt.. and his British FO who arrived at the pearly gates ? St Peter processed them in and told them to go to the next room along and pick up their clocks. "Clocks?" asked the FO - "Yes, you get a nice carriage clock as a souvenir of your time on Earth" replied St Peter. So they go into the clock room, and the FO picks up the clock with his name on it, which has stopped at the time he died. He notices that other clocks are still going, and the hands on some occasionally jump 15 minutes at a time. He asks St Peter why, and is told a little known fact, that when someone masturbates, it actually takes 15 minutes off their life so the hands of the clock move round accordingly. The Capt. is having a hard time locating his clock when St. Peter slaps his head and says "I'm sorry, I should have told you we keep Australian's clocks in a different room - we find they make excellent ceiling fans." So the BirdSeed 747 is inbound to LHR after a looooong all-nighter. The effoh is rubbing his neck and looking miserable. The ever so senior Captain asks what the matter is. The effoh reports that his neck is hurting after such a long time in the seat. The Captain obviously related to this, and said "Ah yes my boy - I often get the same trouble. I have my own way of dealing with it - works every time." Effoh - "Pray sire - tell me your cure" Captain - "Well lad, I get in the Beemer, and while I am driving home I call the old girl, tell her to get the hot-tub ready, and fix me a huge Bloody Mary, and to get in the best lingerie that I have bought her. Then I get home, wallow in the tub, have my drink, and then I get out and bonk her rotten, then sleeping with my head using her huge bosoms for a pillow. You should try that!" A couple of weeks later they are flying again, and the Captain remembers the conversation. "Well lad - did you try my cure for neck pain?" Effoh - "Yes sir!" Captain - "And what did you think?" Effoh - "Well sir, everything went just as you suggested. I have to say you have a lovely hot-tub!" One fine and glorious morning, Capt. Heavy about to enjoy his days off, leans over his bed and kisses his wife on the cheek. Slapping her firmly on the bottom, he says, "I'm off to the Links to play 9 holes." "Promise me you'll only play 9!" she demands. "Absolutely, my love." he assures her. Meeting up with his mates at the local course they head out to the first tee. Just past midday our golfers show up at the clubhouse for a few pints. Things get a little carried away and after a couple of beers this gaggle of buxom young ladies turn up. As luck would have it, our Captain hits it off with this young, blonde-haired, blue-eyed sweetheart and before you know it she's inviting him back to her place for some snoggin'. A wild and passionate afternoon unfolds and they eventually fall asleep in one another's arms. Later, he jumps out of bed and looks at his watch. "Oh my GAWD!!! It's four thirty!!!" "Gotta run love" he tells her and shoots out the door struggling to get dressed. Driving home, he can't quite come up with a believable story' for his wife. "What am I going to tell her?" he asks himself. "Stuff it. We've been married to long for stories. I'll just tell her the truth and hope she understands." Shooting through the front door, his wife immediately demands, "Where have you been?" "Sweetheart, I think you should sit down. At first I thought I'd just make something up but we've been together so long I've decided to simply tell you straight out what happened." "I'm listening" she says. "Well, I met up with the boys for 9 holes and we finished just after midday. After that we went into the clubhouse for a couple of beers where I met this gorgeous young blonde who invited me back to her place for a wild afternoon of lovemaking. After which we fell asleep. It wasn't till late in the day I awoke and realized the time. I'm soooooo sorry my darling. Can you ever forgive me?" She sat back in her chair and looked him straight in the eye and said, "You lying bastard. You played 18 holes. Didn't you?" Seems this poor sod Crashes his jet and is sent to hell straight away. Upon reaching Hades he is met by Lucifer himself who places him in a circular room with three doors. Satan tells our poor friend that he has to choose his particular hell from what’s behind door 1 or door 2. And being a kind and decent sort the devil says that he may even peek into each door. Well, the first door is continuous SIM for eternity with some crank of an instructor and multiple unrelated emergencies. Behind the second door he sees himself repeating a horrific crash over and over for eternity. Neither choice is very appealing. The devil says that he will be right back and our pilot friend has 5 minutes to make up his mind. Curious about door number 3 he takes a peek and sees a 47 captain he once knew engaged in various unnatural sex acts with a bevy of gorgeous women. The devil comes back and asks if he has made up his mind. He replies that he has and that he would like what is behind door number 3. The devil says oh, you can't have that....that's flight attendant hell. What does a BA Captains wife do to her arsehole before having sex? - Drop him off at the airport! Our heavy Commander on his last flight before retirement was not looking forward to hanging up his hat. Quite depressed upon arriving at the hotel one of the more lovely stews asks him if he would like to end his career with a bang, nudge, nudge. Our Commander wastes no time and joins the young lady in her room. After our intrepid Commander is done the young lady exclaims, "Captain that was the best I've ever had, do you think you could manage to do that again?". "Certainly my dear, just hold it with both hands and wake me in 15 min." was his reply. While thinking this is odd she does as requested and 15 min. later they're at it again. Once more our Hostie is amazed by her Captain's performance and asks if he could possibly manage one more go. "Certainly my dear, hold it with both hands and wake me in 15 min.". Again thinking this odd she goes through the same routine. Now after a couple more romps she finally asks," Captain does my holding on to your wedding tackle somehow give you extra energy?". " No", said the Captain,"but the last hostie I shagged stole my wallet." Heard this one the other day: a BA flight, a gorgeous
female pax asks to sit in the jump seat for landing. After arrival,
she stands up and leaves. Only three things my F/O should ever say: Yes sir
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