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1912 THE TITANIC

Most people don't know that in 1912, Hellman's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. So much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as: Sinko de Mayo.

Osama bin Laden was kicking around some rubble left over from the latest bombing, and found a copper jug with a wax plug. He pried off the plug and out popped a female genie; "How may I serve you, Master?" she inquired.

Osama was not impressed. "Don't need anything from a female!" he said, churlishly.

"But Master, I MUST do SOMETHING for you, or I have to go back into confinement! Please! Isn't there anything I can get you?"

"All right!" snapped Osama churlishly, "Tomorrow morning, I want to find three American women in bed with me, ready to do what they do best! Now, get lost!"
"Your wish is my command!" said the genie (miffed), and vanished.
The next morning when Osama woke up, he had Lorena Bobbit, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton in bed with him; his penis was gone, his leg was broken, and he had no Medical Insurance.

An American, an Englishman and a Frenchman are in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Englishman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Englishman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave".

The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity. Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan.

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

Isn't that better than "your computer has performed an illegal operation" ?

About France

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter

While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was asked this question:
"Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're talking with the French." The Secretary smiled and replied:
"I'm not going there!"

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien

REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi

"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

(Q) What's the Cuban national anthem?
(A) Row, row, row your boat.

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

IMPORTANT NOTICE!!! All K-mart and Wal-Mart stores will be closed in Iraq. They will be replaced with targets.

Two cowboys are riding along a trail in the mountains when they suddenly hear tom toms beating very close to them. "Oh! That doesn't sound good," one says to the other. As soon as the words were spoken, an Indian jumps out from behind a tree and said, "Give us a break, our regular drummer is out sick."

The nuclear powered Aircraft Carrier, USS Harry S. Truman, CVN 75 and the ships in her Battle Group got underway from Norfolk, Va. the other morning for an extended deployment. Just as the lines were cast off, this announcement was made throughout the ship on the ship's 1-MC announcing system. "Peace on Earth to all men of good will; All others, Stand By"

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Chinaman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with sesame oil. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The Frenchman brags, "Last week when I fantastic sex with my wife, I rubbed her entire body with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for almost an hour!"

The old Jewish man says, "Vell, last week mine vife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over mit chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), vee made luv and she screamed for 6 hours!"

The Italian man, the Chinaman and the Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I viped mine hands on da drapes!"

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton

A big earthquake with the strength of 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. 150,000 Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money. The United States of America is sending 150,000 replacement Mexicans.

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