Body Functions

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A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a fishing pole but didn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart associate standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me, Sir ... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind, but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes. "

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. Test line... It's a good all around rod and reel, and it's $20.00."

She says, "It is amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, she bends down to get her purse and accidentally farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50. And thank you for shopping Wal-Mart."

Here was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet. What sort of greens do you eat?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods."

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give them up!!"

The guy says, "But for how long? I mean I really like peas!"

The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed, and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."

Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"

The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years."

The barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."

Old People Football

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score." After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, Switch sides."

Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

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