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The Principal Principle

July 1, 2003 – There is a feeling one gets when they are uncertain about a situation that will occur in the immediate future. I seem to get it quite a bit, but I used to get it even more often in the past. You all know the feeling; that sense of impending yet uncertain dread where you are not only wracking your brain to determine the cause of unease, but you are already working on the ways to get out of the mess you’re pretty sure (but not positive) you’re in. I call it the Principal Principle. Allow me to explain.

As a youngster going to school I engaged in a significant share of rule breaking and mischief. Unfortunately, I engaged in enough of it to make it a little difficult to know for sure what I would be accused of during my frequent calls to the school principal’s office. It was during the times while I was walking down the hall towards the office that I first experienced the Principal Principle. This, by my own definition, is knowing you are in trouble, but not exactly sure what you will be in trouble for. Now, the feeling itself is only the first part of the Principal Principle. The other part, which is just as tedious, is attempting to put together a rapid list of all the possible offenses, and coming up with an excuse for every single one; (“Sir, I can understand you might think I was the one who did it because the janitor saw me coming out of the boy’s room right before the flood was discovered, but seriously… I was just as surprised as he was that all the toilets had been clogged and flushed several times…”).

I know I no longer have to worry about the principal (he has long since had a nervous breakdown and is chewing on a stuffed llama at some state institution as we speak), but I do have to worry about other “principal-like” situations. The Principal Principle creeps up on me every time I receive any letter from the IRS, an email confirmation from an “adult-entertainment” site (especially if the email had been previously viewed by the wife without me having the chance to explain that I had nothing to do with it), or anything that says “clerk of courts” anywhere on the document. That creepy feeling comes up and the mind goes in high gear, making the list and preparing the excuses.

So you may ask, did that rapid-fire brainstorming ever work when engaged by the principal? I would have to give it about a 50% likelihood of squirming out of the situation (especially if the reason for the meeting was due to something I was already successful in identifying during my topic and excuse planning). In hindsight, it was probably a good thing I had so much experience in school. 50% odds are so much better than nothing when it comes to the IRS.

Submitted by Jason

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